Waiter Blog of Waiter Rants From a Server Who Hates It All

Here is a simple question? What does the beautiful young woman in this picture do for a living? I’ll give you a hint- she is holding a stack of menus and she works in a restaurant. Not only does she work in a restaurant but you can usually find her right next to the door showing off her hot 20 year old ass in a mini-skirt and stilettos. Is anyone familiar with her occupation?

To me, it seems like common sense.  This sexy lady at the front of the restaurant is of course jail-bait the hostess.  While it may seem like common sense to most of us, believe it or not, many people blow right by her in a whirlwind of  impatience and selfishness. They proceed to walk around the restaurant with puzzled looks on their faces as they point in the direction of unoccupied tables while whispering sweet nothings into one another’s ear. As they make their way to the outer fringe of the dining room, something mysterious happens…they hesitate. Perhaps, it’s a nagging feeling of guilt that they’ve done something wrong or perhaps they are summoning the strength and courage to ask the dumbest question in the world: “So, do we like…just seat ourselves?”

Does this look like communist Russia bitch?

No.

It doesn’t.

This is a restaurant, not a cafeteria.

This is a place of business.

There are rules here that must be followed in order to preserve order.

A society without order is not a society at all…it is chaos.

So here is how this one is going to work- upon hearing this question, I will:

1. Think less you of a human being and wonder which trimester of your mother’s pregnancy resulted in a lack of nutrients and/or oxygen to your unborn fetus causing debilitating mental shortcomings that ultimately led to this profoundly inept query.
2. Laugh internally as I scan the restaurant trying to locate the most suitable co-worker with whom I can share your inquiry  so that we may quietly make fun of you as we bask in the afterglow of your stupidity.
3. I will then smile. After all, I am a professional
4. I will give you a quick refresher course on restaurant etiquette. It will usually go something like this: “Ohhh, actually you have to check in at the host stand first. There may be some people ahead of you waiting for a table but she will definitely take care of you!”
5. At this point, you will demonstrate mild resistance as you try to grapple with the concept that a table is seemingly empty yet not not specifically reserved for your taking.
6. I will assure you that this is the due process for obtaining a table in our restaurant.
7. I will revel in your misery, as counter intuitive as it may seem, as I depend on your happiness and enjoyment to make a living.
8. You will reluctantly make your way to the host stand.
9. The hostess will greet you with a smile, take down your name and lie to you about how long it is going to take to get a table.
10. She will place you in diner purgatory so that you may think about your transgressions against me.
11. I hope that you use this time to repent.
12. Ultimately, the hostess is going to sit you at the very same table you tried to sit yourself at to begin with . The very same table that I ushered you away from when you asked me that stupid question in the first place. Oh,  and of course…this table is in my section and you already hate me.
13. I will pretend the previous episode never took place.
14. With a big cheesy smile and enthusiast inflection, “How are you folks doing tonight? Can I start you off with something to drink?!?!”

Drink Guzzling is one of the most common threats to a waiter’s patience. I have seen refill counts climb into the double digits. I have witnessed men order four  sodas at a time and drink them all with one gulp. I have watched fountain beverages flow like the great Niagara Falls into a seemingly bottomless pit of greed and carbonation. This is a short poem about one particular incident:

Fat Thirsty Man- A short poem by Von Sizzle

Hello, fat stranger-I am your waiter

Allow me to grab you something to drink,

Ideally, I’d like you to save some for later,

Are you all set or do you need time to think?

“A diet whatever!” you say with a smile

As your four chins jiggle and sway,

Diet coke for a fatty-are you in denial?

There is no sense in living this way!

Diet coke tastes like shit but I know why you chose it

You think it makes up for the rest of your order,

I’ve got a question so I’m gonna pose it

Do you think it makes up for that 20 ounce Porter?

See I know Diet coke is calorie free

and you want to save room for cheesecake and fries,

I also know that you’ll drink more than three

While simultaneously boosting the size of your thighs.

If your intentions to guzzle, I’ll impart some advice

We hate to refill your drink more than twice,

If you want to be healthy, start eating your wheaties

Stop guzzling drinks and avoid Diabetes!